Log for: It's Over

Not exactly how I wanted to return to the city. I knew I had to do this, but... I guess I didn't expect to find the courage to do it so soon. But I made my decision. I had my vision. Maybe I can't save the world, but I can save Nathan's marriage. I love him far too much not to.

Log for: Love to Change the Future

I didn't mean to go to Peter's to find comfort. Well, not entirely. I did want to find comfort, but I didn't want him to know that that's why I was there. I wanted to reconnect with my friend. Not sob to him about his brother. I have to remind myself to be careful with my thoughts around Peter. It's not like he's Parkman, but he's still got the potential to... There just are things that I think about that Peter need not concern himself with. He's such a sensitive soul. I'd hate to needlessly worry him.

He gave me a handkerchief. Can the man get any sweeter? I just wish I had been... Been more with it. I'd have asked him more about what's bothering him. I suppose I'll just have to go over there tomorrow. Maybe... I think I'll actually cook something this time. Better than just bringing booze.

He healed my leg. Holy Jesus. Who do I dare tell? Who would even believe me? I certainly don't need anybody in the department finding out. I'll just have to continue to lay low for a while.

I read this out loud in my Career Development class today. I was too afraid to look up from my paper to see if anybody had spotted the massive amount of geekery I was spewing. But I had this bigass grin on my face the whole time. This was a follow-up phone call. A thirty second commercial. I had to sell myself to my prospective employer. My prof says I did a damn good job.

( The Thirty Second Commercial )

I have written the most geektastic piece of serious homework ever. Inform the crew!

In hindsight, writing up homework at Crack O'Clock was probably not the best idea. Oh well!

( Cover Letter for my Career Development class, name has been changed to protect my SEEKRIT IDENTITY. )

This voicemail is left for Nathan while he's on the line with Peter.

I love you still.

I regret nothing.

Then the line goes dead.

I will not:

Scream.
Utter that name.
Become like him.

Log for: The Entire Point

He hit me.

Should I have been scared? I think I should have been. It really could have been much worse. I baited him enough that I wouldn't really have been able to blame him for doing worse to me.

That was the most amazing sex I've ever had in my life. I feel hollow. Empty. I feel like something's missing. But I always feel this way after... I should have told him to leave when he asked me if I wanted him to. I should have told him to go. I shouldn't have asked him to stay. I should never have let him push me onto the couch and start kissing me. I should never have kissed him in the first place. Why do I do these things to myself? I've never... felt like this before.

I had the control. He only acted because I forced him to. This is how it works. I'm the master of what I do. I relinquish my power oh-so-carefully to make it look as though they're in charge. They never see what I've done. I still hold the reins. If I want it to stop, I know how to do it. If I want it to go on, if I want more, I get it. Until him. Maybe it's the injury. I don't know. As soon as the cane fell from my hands... I knew I had to trust him.

I don't trust anyone. Ever. Except him. Except now.

He had the control. I forced him into it, and he took up the role marvelously. I never would have expected him to... He read me like a book. I didn't have to pretend with him. I never do. Did. Now, I pretend.

There was one man she truly loved, he took everything but a bearskin rug. And now and then, it's clear to me that need is love and love is need.

I told him that I love him. I didn't even know I meant it until the words left my lips. But lack of prior knowledge doesn't make it any less true. I do love him. That's why it's so hard.

That's why I have to do this. It's why I have to go back.

May God forgive me.

Nathan never will.

Log for: ...and Forever

I should have told him.

I couldn't tell him.

I will never tell him what I saw.

Log for: Meet the Oscillating Unit

"Clock's ticking."

The grandfather clock. In my bedroom. She saw it. She... I'm going to die. He's going to kill me.

I had myself so convinced I could beat him. I was convinced there was hope. I shouldn't talk like this. That woman, Desiree, she and Peter say that it's not set in stone. But... I'm scared. How can I beat this? If I just... never go back to my apartment? He'll just find me somewhere else. I don't know what to do. I'm scared. I'm so, so scared.

He has Mohinder. He has Molly. It's only a matter of time.

"You had real pretty eyes."

Log for: Peter Petrelli Cheats at Monopoly

We were so busted. I don't think I'd ever been more sure of anything in my entire life than I was sure that Peter was getting the vision he was getting off my bottle of gin. I thought he might hit one of us. I wouldn't have blamed him. I wouldn't have put up any fuss. Last night, I wanted to hurt. I wanted it to hurt so badly.

But I can't make it hurt. I still feel guilty, God knows I do. I predicted the man's divorce for God's sake. I never had any intention of causing it. I still don't.

God. Poor Peter. I know better than anybody what he was feeling... And whatever Nathan had been feeling on top of what I felt... Poor, poor Peter. But he's forgiven me. Forgiven us. He... He's the most selfless man I've ever met.

God bless him.

A macro in seventeen parts.

Enjoy!

P.S. Please comment with your thoughts if you've seen it. I went through a lot of effort (I had to figure out how to make a bloody web page since the thing broke my layout) for the lulz.

Log for: General Freaking Hospital

I met Peter Petrelli today. He's nice. Very nice. He also took on my ability. Another Psychometer. With all my flaws.

It confirms my hypothesis. If Gabriel Gray takes me... If he takes my power, it will be his undoing. One vision. One good vision is all it will take. He'll be down and the others will have their chance. Even if I die, I'll still win.

I told Peter everything. About what I see and feel. About my thoughts. They aren't my thoughts. They are my thoughts. They are. My own. I could kill him. I could do just like Gray does. I could get inside that head of his and take his abilities. All of them. I could be unstoppable. I could kill Gray. I could be the one who comes out on top. I could be the best. I am the best. Gabriel Gray is nothing but an insignificant little cockroach. They are all nothing more than a Not mine. Just... echoes. Slivers of thought left in my mind. Peter's right. I'm better than that. I've got the determination to make sure that Gray never gets what he wants from me.

I will not:
Scream.
Utter that name.
Become like him.

Parkman.
Where do I begin? He's... He was in my head. Speaking. I knew he could do it. Or I suspected. Knew? I don't know what I know and what my visions have told me anymore. But I know he made me see things. I saw him with his gun out. And then nothing. I saw it. He'll really kill me if I don't keep my distance from Mohinder and Molly. I'm going to have to convince Mohinder to teach me how to do my own injections. I need to stay on top of this. And I need to stay away from him. For both our sakes. I need to stay away from Parkman. If he were anybody else, I'd keep him close. Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Except when your enemies can read your mind.
I hope Molly is okay.

I was almost surprised that Nathan came to see me. He wants to spare me any more pain, I know that much. He doesn't want to give me this false hope if he can't... heal me. Whatever that means. Claire. Her blood will fix everything. It can give me back my No. They aren't even mine to regain. What is wrong with He's a sweet man. In his own way. Ways different than his brother. Very different. Peter comforts. But Nathan makes me feel safe. I know Nathan has it in him to do whatever needs to be done to do whatever job he sets out to do. Peter... He might hesitate. Peter is the one who stands by and inspires. He's not a one-man army. He should be! He's squandering his gifts. He's not worthy of

Ed was the surprise of the night. I got my job back, but none of that matters now. I'm pleased he brought me the gin. He may have me pegged, he knows I don't let my guard down, but the morphine is a factor he hasn't had to consider yet. I hope he'll buy it. I have to keep him close to me. Have to keep him believing I want him. That I want him to want me.
Would I shag him? In a heartbeat. To make him believe that I'm stuck on him. Girls aren't nearly as threatening when they're lovesick, are they? No. They're easily manipulated. I'm counting on Edward Boone to be One Of Those. Go on ahead, use me.... partner.

Log for: Cracks in the Armour

Nathan came to my rescue. I didn't want to be caught at DnA's after the call that thug made, saying I came in and started shooting up the place. Nathan came and got me out of there, though. I knew he could. I wasn't sure he would but I had faith that he could get me out of there in time. He took me to the hospital. I think I passed out. It hurt so bad. It still does, but morphine helps. I remember... begging him to stay with me. I was so afraid of being alone. So afraid. And I woke up... and he was there. He stayed with me. Nathan stayed with me until they came to take me into surgery.

I couldn't let him see me cry, though. My career's over. He blew out my knee. I'll never be able to walk again. I have to walk again. Nathan's pretending he doesn't see me fall apart. But he held my hand. Neither of us have to say anything. I know. He knows.

A true hero.

Log for: Shoot-Out at the DnA Club

I shot him. At least I managed to get him once.

I just wish he hadn't gotten me three times.

I was supposed to go to the club, get trashed, and go home with a guy for a night of meaningless sex. I was supposed to slip out while he was sleeping. I was supposed to feel better. But no. I got into a shoot-out.

I can't stand up.

I hate this club.

Log for: The Man with the Horn-Rimmed Glasses

My head is killing me.

I was sitting on the couch, clipping out articles and eating my ice cream. I must have blacked out. Because the ice cream is back in the freezer and... why is my gun laying on the couch? I had it tucked under the pillow behind me. Why did I have it out? I've barely touched my gin, but... the ice has melted. What happened? It must have been a vision, but I don't remember. I don't...

Oh God.

I can't deal with this right now. I'm going to the goddamn club.

Log for: Something is Building...

I finally got around to telling Mohinder about the new visions. About Boone. I frustrate him, it's obvious. I can't seem to... I'll have to behave. I have a feeling he'd make good on his threat.

Eden McCain. The name bothered him. I suspect he was closer to her than he's letting on, but I won't pursue it. I'll keep Boone within arm's reach. Being close is better than keeping away and missing something important.

Something is coming. I know it is. Everything is building up to... I don't know what. I need to relax. Ice cream and gin. That'll do the trick. Is it the storm?

Log for: The Midnight Oil

I'm penning this quickly while I wait for Boone to get to the car, before I forget it.

He knows about Gray. He knows. He doesn't want to believe what he's seen, but he knows. And... I suspect he has an ability. Or... I don't know. I'd need to talk to Nathan before even considering this conclusion.

Bonnie and Clyde, we are. Except Bonnie and Clyde were the bad guys. Are we the bad guys? We might be vigilantes, but we aren't wrong. Killing Gray will be a blessing to people like us. To the world. President Gray... Never.

----

No. No no no. This can't be happening. I trusted him. I trusted that he might have an ability. I still believe he does. But he's also... I don't like the vibe I'm getting. I don't like what I've seen. I don't like what my visions have told me. I don't know who to call first. Suresh? Nakamura? ...Petrelli? Shit.

Can't sleep. I want to sleep. The alcohol is telling me to sleep. It's begging me. But I can't sleep.

He knows where I live.

Log for: Cold Showers Fix Everything

Ow. Ow. OW!

God dammit. I don't know if I'm going to be able to get that stain out. Maybe I'll keep wearing it anyway. It's not like I wear that shirt for anyone anyway. At least he noticed his ring was gone right away. I was afraid I was going to have to call him. That wouldn't have been a fun conversation.

"Uhm, yes. Excuse me, Mister Petrelli? I have your wedding ring. Should I, uh, bring it by?"

Yeah, glad I didn't have to make that phone call.

Log for: Amazing Flying Petrelli

I don't share my bed. Nobody else has ever slept in my bed. I don't bring men home. I go home with them.

There's a man in my bed.

And I'm on the couch.

Fuck.